Golf Humor Dedication: To the immortal memory of John Henrie and Pat Rogie who, at Edinburgh in the year 1593 A.D., were imprisoned for "playing of the gowff on the links of Leith every sabbath the time of the sermonses"; Also of Robert Robertson who got it in the neck in 1604 A.D. for the same reason.
[The Laws of Golf courtesy of I Golf, Therefore I Am--Nuts! by George Fuller]
LAW 1: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. Giving Up Golf Forever—Again Last season I gave up golf forever two days before our course opened in May, on the evenings of June 17th and July 4th, at noon on July 27th, on the evenings of August 2nd, 9th, 15th, and 21st, at 11:15 A.M. on Labor Day, again Labor Day evening, on September 19th, 23rd, 30th, and October 3rd, 11th and 18th. I am writing this in mid-January, when the drifts are piled five feet deep over our bunkers, and the water-carries are frozen solid. I have played my last game of golf. The coming season I shall devote to the intensive cultivation of my garden. The links have no allure for me. (written in 1922) (Read more . . .) LAW 11: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. Take a Rain Check What can a golf resort do when the weather doesn't cooperate? What do golfers like to do when they can't play golf? They like to do something related to golf. Here are some ideas to help keep a rainy day from ruining the day (Read more . . .) LAW 16: Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie. LAW 17: A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents luck.	Uncle Josh Plays Golf Wall, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider, and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with him 'bout Thanksgiving time. (written in 1903) (Read more . . .) LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a Law of God and should be cut down. Dog Days of Summer Those (Hot) Dog Days of Summer (Read more . . .) LAW 14: Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three. Ready Golf Are you sure you're ready for that private club? (Read more . . .) LAW 15: When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Golf Humor Books

LAW 20: Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. The Official Exceptions to the Rules of Golf Tired of being beaten by an honest game of golf, self-proclaimed hacker Henry Beard figured that he didn't need a new swing--his game just needed a new set of rules. With The Official Exceptions to the Rules of Golf, he created a bible for the sensible golfer who doesn't have time to lose. You'll learn how to cope with pesky influences: missed shots and lost balls that wreak havoc on your score. Did you search unsuccessfully for your ball in the fairway? Don't panic. All you have to do is declare that it is a Ball Missing in Fairway But Obviously Not Lost (Exception #6) and drop another ball into the approximate spot where it must have landed. What could make more sense? Filled with fair rules, this is the book that every practical golfer must have. LAW 23: There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove. 1,001 Golf Quips and Quotes An entertaining collection of quips and quotes from famous golfers--past and present--and celebrities, politicians, and sports figures who reveal both their passion and disdain for their favorite pastime. Includes a full index, and is presented by categories from "Advice Column" to "Fuzzy Zoeller." LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are drawn to water. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Mulligan's Laws Every time a golfer hits a terrible drive on the first hole, then quickly tees up another ball for a do-over, he or she immediately invokes the most famous name in golf--"Mulligan." And yet, absolutely nothing is known about this most profound thinker, the genius who first uttered the words, "I think I'll take another." In 1993, Henry Beard, noted humorist and author of such enduring classics as French for Cats, Official Exceptions to the Rules of Golf, and O.J.'s Legal Pad, unearthed a copy of Thomas Mulligan's long-lost treatise on golfing wisdom and translated it from the original Scottish dialect. Mulligan's Laws has since become a classic, with over ninety thousand hardcover copies in print. Here are a few of Mulligan's golfing insights:If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes. Few golfers are born with the natural talent for hitting the ball, but every player is blessed with the God-given ability to throw a club. Mulligan's Laws is a satiric yet affectionate send-up of the game where whatever can go straight, goes right, and whatever can reach the green, comes up short. Best-selling humorist Henry Beard presents the long-suppressed reflections and rules of thumb of the heretical patron saint of do-overs and duffers everywhere -- a perfect gift for any golfer. Let's stand together and realize we face a common foe, and that foe is par. -George Fuller The New Yorker Book of Golf Cartoons From the wonderful golf cartoons published over the decades in "The New Yorker," cartoon editor Mankoff has culled the best for this book from the magazine's amazing artists. About the Author Robert Mankoff is the cartoon editor of The New Yorker, president of The Cartoon Bank, and a wonderful cartoonist (with a lousy handicap). He has published numerous collections of his own work and is the editor of eight collections of New Yorker cartoons. Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Tees Off on Golf By Bathroom Readers Institute Compiled by Uncle John's crack team of investigators, this witty and informative romp serves up a bounty of fascinating facts and tantalizing tidbits about the great game of golf. While it may not settle the question as to whether or not golf is a sport, the book does answer burning questions such as Where is the largest sand trap? (Clementon, NJ— a mere half acre); How much do Americans spend on golf balls? ($600 million per year); and Is there a course that offers the chance to play with a live Bengal tiger? (Yes! The Monu Valley Golf Club in Northern Bangladesh). Golf movies and presidential duffers (the good and the not-quite-so-good) are discussed, and captive audiences can learn the game's history: its players, equipment, courses, famous flubs, and ever-changing fashions and philosophies. For serious pros, weekend duffers, or just plain fans of the game, this collection is as satisfying as a hole-in-one. This box not intentionally left blank. It just is.

LAW 21: You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two-inch branch 90% of the time. How to Line Up Your Fourth Putt This book was written for golfers who appreciate the simple pleasures of strange trajectories and the mysterious bounce; who can laugh at deep divots and the big banana.     LAW 22: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he or she must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot Anyone can hit a great shot and brag; the challenge is to shank a tee shot and still make your buddies laugh. This hilarious books is an absolute must for any golfer. And you need not be a golf enthuasist to enjoy this book. It makes a great gift for any golfer, and is a must for every golf bag! First Sentence: A drop of sweat fell in my eye and I missed the ball. LAW 24: A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. How to Quit Golf: A 12-Step Program "Golf is... a nasty, vicious game, played mainly by educated people who, quite frankly, should know better." In this hilarious send-up of 12-step programs and golf-buffs alike, Craig Brass challenges golfers to ask themselves 15 questions to determine if they are "problem golfers." For example: "Do you count going to the driving range with your [spouse] as a night on the town?" or "Do you envy people who can golf without getting into trouble?" Approximately six million golfers play more than 21 rounds of golf a year; they are benignly labeled "avid" golfers. Brass contends that if those same people shot up heroine 21 times a year, they would not be considered "avid" drug users; they would be called junkies. With that analogy in mind, he calls on all amateur golfers to admit they have a problem and seek the help they need before it's too late. Chapter titles mimic AA steps: "Admit you are powerless over golf that your life has become unmanageable" and "Come to believe that a Power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity." Of course, in this case, that power would be named Jack Nicklaus. This is a quick airplane read, a perfect stocking-stuffer and a great gag gift from any and all golf widows or widowers. A foreward by actor and fellow problem golfer Jeff Daniels recommends reading the book to quit golf instead of having a frontal lobotomy: "It's cheaper and won't leave a scar." LAW 9: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law 3). The Golf Gods Are Laughing: The Confessions. Obsessions, and Insights of a Golf Addict All golfers share at least a hundred common emotions, idiosyncrasies, and flaws when it comes to the game of golf. You will laugh and you will cringe as you read each page of this very funny book, and you'll find yourself in every chapter. In the end, you won't play any better, but you will enjoy yourself more on the course and you'll know a lot more about the game. Anything works for three holes. What worked yesterday won't work today. It won't work tomorrow, either. from Murphy's Laws of Golf The Fundamentals of Quitting Golf The Fundamentals of Quitting Golf offers permanent relief, or perhaps just a chuckle, to golf sufferers who swear they are going to quit the game, often using very colorful language. As explained by author David Divot, your mind is cluttered with excuses for your poor play: lack of lessons, bad courses, old clubs, new clubs and on and on. Quitting "cold turkey" does not work because, subconsciously, you want to believe this nonsense. But with Divot's ten-year course of treatment, you eventually admit that there is no excuse for your game. Explore techniques to control your anger and depression. Then ponder why you would put that monumental achievement at risk by trying to golf. Discover that having confidence in your game is the surest way to shatter your confidence. Consider why golf magazines constantly offer new tips for curing the same problems that were supposedly cured by the tips offered in previous issues. Find out how to heighten your disappointment by pretending you have some control over where your ball will go. You may not cure your golf affliction with The Fundamentals of Quitting Golf, but at least you'll have a good laugh trying. About the Author - David Divot started trying to play golf at age 13. With the exception of miniature golf courses, he has never broken 100. Divot began trying to quit golf at age 14. He apparently has a resistant strain of golf which may force him to play for his entire life in order to finally quit.